The number five has given the world so much, from musical legends 5ive, to the glorious beverage Five Alive. And if you still need any more convincing of the importance of the number five, it’s even the atomic number of everyone’s favourite metalloid element, boron.
Here at In Off the Ghost, our deceased denizens are far from being boron, but sadly our days of drinking, or even being, Five Alive are very much over. However, we were given a chance to revel in the glory of another fabulous five this weekend as Dimitar Berbatov bagged five goals in Manchester United’s 7-1 demolition of Blackburn Rovers.
In order to get the coldest, most fetid reaction from the Premier League’s biggest story of the weekend, we spoke to a man who after having a quintet of wives should know all about scoring five times. A cold welcome to star of the silver screen and legendary moustache Clark Gable!
“Berbatov is my kinda guy,” drawled Gable. “They said I was the ‘King of Hollywood’ in my day and Dimitar is the King of Old Trafford after that display. He makes football look easy. Look at his goals against Blackburn, pure … class. His critics say he smokes too much and he’s lazy, but he put in a blockbuster of a performance today. And hell, who doesn’t like a damn smoke or two?”
Gable stopped and took a long puff on his own celestial cigarette before continuing.
“He has a style and flair that people will pay good money to see at the ‘Theatre of Dreams’. With Nani and Obertan he was one of ‘the misfits’ that didn’t really justify their superstar status, but now Ferguson’s discarded his striker-less formation and has gone with the wings again, Berba has been outstanding. The only criticism I can think of is that I preferred his old hair style.”
I asked Gable whether he thought Berbatov could finally cement his place in the United line-up.
“Why not? No one thought he would ever score five times in one go, but it all happened one night in Manchester. He could really be an A-lister at United if he continues this form. I’m sure Sam Allardyce will be very disappointed with his side, but frankly my dear … Berbatov won’t really be that bothered I don’t think.”
(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author)