At the turn of each year, In Off the Ghost likes to recognise the achievements of the previous twelve months by presenting the illustrious In Off the Ghost ‘Tombstone Trophy’ to the most deserving teams or individuals for the football feats that have impressed us the most. We also like to have our annual awards as doing so gives us the opportunity to welcome the newest members of our posthumous punditry team that have joined us during the past year. So without any further ado, let’s get on with the show!
Leslie Nielsen Award for Comedy Value – Ian Holloway
We asked comedy legend and Naked Gun star Leslie Nielsen who he would give the award for comedy value during 2010, adding that surely it should go to Blackpool manager Ian Holloway.
“Yes, you’re right” began Nielsen “I am choosing Holloway, and don’t call me Shirley. He has done a fantastic job and they only have a fifty/fifty percent chance of going down, though there is now only a ten percent chance of that. Some of his quotes have been terrific, like this one:
“ ‘I am more than happy [at Blackpool] and I am afraid the chairman will need a hell of a tub of cream to get rid of me – I’m like a bad rash and not easily curable.’ ”
“Staying in the Premiership is like having sex. It’s a painstaking and arduous task that seems to go on and on forever, and just when you think things are going your way, you’re forced to go down. Like a blind man at an orgy, he has had to feel his way in, but he has done his job with a smile, had a few laughs, and now it looks like the cows have come home to roost.”
JD Salinger Award for Questionable Mental Health Issues – Fabio Capello
“I choose England boss Fabio Capello for this award” stated Catcher in the Rye author J.D. Salinger, “for taking the piss out of Stuart Pearce on the touchline, for playing 4-4-2 at the World Cup, and hell, for playing Emile Heskey at the goddamn World Cup. He looked like he was standing on the edge of some crazy cliff, trying to catch his players as they ran, one by one without looking over the edge. Only, he was about as good at catching as Rob Green, and then he threw himself over for good measure.”
Bernard Matthews Award for Biggest Turkey – Wayne Rooney
“I’ve seen some big turkeys in my time” said turkey specialist Matthews, “and especially at the festive season, but none in football bigger than Wayne Rooney this year. He has had a fowl 2010.”
The Gary Coleman “What You Talking About Willis?” award – Sam Allardyce
“I’m not suited to Bolton or Blackburn, I would be more suited to Inter or Real Madrid. It wouldn’t be a problem to me to go and manage those clubs because I would win the double or the league every time.”
Dick Francis Award for Crimes Against Football – Holland & Inter Milan
“Both the Netherlands’s brutal display of violence against Spain in the World Cup final and Inter Milan’s away victory against Barcelona in the Champions League semi-final are tied for this award” declared former champion jockey and prolific crime writer Dick Francis, “both were painful to watch, but for different reasons. Evil genius Jose Mourinho is the prime suspect in this case, having masterminded Inter’s pragmatic pummelling of Barcelona which went on to inspire the Dutch approach for dealing with many of the same victims in the World Cup Final.”
Thanks for following In Off the Ghost during 2010, we hope to see you again in 2011. Happy New Year!
(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)