Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘The Séance – Predictions’ Category

The fight for survival - At first they were afraid, now they are petrified...

When the posthumous pundits at In Off the Ghost were alive, we took Mother Nature and all of her wonders for granted. Now we would give anything to feel the wind blowing through our thinning hair, the sun warm our sagging faces, or the grass tickle our knobbly knees, all as we get humiliated again at Sunday League football. But alas, we felt the wrath of Mother Nature and we were hurled, head first, into football’s Valhalla.

But there is still a lot we can learn from nature, which we can then apply to our pursuit of eternal contentment, or more likely to our half baked analysis of the latest football action. Yes, every day creatures great and small battle for survival, some gloriously snatching safety from the jaws of death, while others plummet into the void of extinction. Just like the Barclays Premier League you might say, which currently features the most thrilling relegation battle in years. There are currently only six points separating the bottom seven sides with six games left, and here at In Off the Ghost we have been so excited by the run in at the wrong end of the table that we have contacted one of our favourite conservationists to give us his predictions on this epic fight for survival. A cold welcome to legendary Australian wildlife expert, conservationist and croc-wrestling TV personality Steve Irwin!

Irwin - "Crikey!"

Aston Villa:

“Villa have looked as dangerous as a new born koala bear at times this season, but thanks to some serious conservation work in Darren Bent and Jean Makoun, Gerard Houllier seems to have steered them clear of danger. The chances of Villa getting relegated now are about as realistic as a Home and Away plot line.”

Steve Irwin’s relegation rating 2.5/5

Birmingham City:

“After that bonza League Cup win, the Blues seem to have ran out of puff. But I reckon with Obafemi ‘the cheetah’ Martins, Nikola ‘the giraffe’ Žigić and Ben ‘the octopus’ Foster they will fine. Well, as long as that bloomin’ drongo Liam Ridgewell doesn’t keep dropping clangers!”

Steve Irwin’s relegation rating 3/5

Blackburn Rovers:

“Crikey! You’re far safer dealing with crocodiles and western diamondback rattlesnakes than the Blackburn defence of Christopher Samba and Ryan Nelson, those boys are tough! But they have lost their pack leader in ‘Big’ Sam Allardyce and Steve Kean looks like a little boy lost in the outback.”

Steve Irwin’s relegation rating 3.5/5

Blackpool:

“If Blackpool were an exotic croc-like reptile, I’d be so worried about their survival that I’d be down to the pleasure beach like a giant flamin’ gala on a litre of Red Bull! Ian Holloway’s guys have had some season. I mean, I’m a thrill seeker, but strewth, Blackpool are even too much for me! Charlie Adam might look like a shaved gorilla, but blimey he can pass a ball. Still he can’t didgeridoo it all on his own now can he?”

Steve Irwin’s relegation rating 3.5/5

Parker - "XXXX!"

West Ham United

“West Ham might be moving to a new Olympic habitat in the next few years, however they’ve a lot of hard work to do if they want to have top flight football to show off to the new neighbours when they move in. But crikey, with the tireless Scott Parker, crafty Robbie Keane and the pacey Demba Ba, they can look more dangerous than a boxing kangaroo after a six pack of Castlemain XXXX!”

Steve Irwin’s relegation rating 3.5/5

Wigan Athletic:

“Wigan are looking more endangered than a Bridled Nail-Tail Wallaby. With players like Hugo Rodallega and Charles N’Zogbia they have a bit of a sting in their tail, but they also have a tough run of games. People are already saying that Wigan are destined for a sticky end, but then everyone said “we knew a croc would get him!” about me and they were wrong…a stingray did!”

Steve Irwin’s relegation rating 4.5/5

Wolverhampton Wanderers:

“Wolves are in serious danger of Premier League extinction. Mick McCarthy reminds me a bit of yours truly. We were both warriors. I was a wildlife warrior and Mick was a soccer warrior. Still, with Kevin Doyle laid up and Sylvan Ebanks-Blake and Steven Fletcher looking about as useful as a straight boomerang, I can’t see Wanderers making it out of this scrap alive.”

Steve Irwin’s relegation rating 4.5/5

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

 

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

We are the Champions League

Life is a gamble. Every day we try to predict the future and how things will turn out. What will happen if I tell my boss that he is a fat, balding prune? Can I get across the road before this lorry turns me into a fine paste? Who will shoot first in the hideous ten team orgy of a Premier League relegation battle? The future is hard to predict. Maybe if the writers here at In Off the Ghost were a little better at guessing what was going to happen next, we wouldn’t be bringing you the latest gossip from football’s Elysium. We could’ve got a nice job working for Northern Rock or Enron instead.

However, there are other posthumous pundits on our eternal terraces who feel that they’re a bit better than us at predictions, and with a fortnight of exciting UEFA Champions League ties ahead involving all four English clubs, we have decided to bring you the forecast from one of our most flamboyant residents. A cold welcome to Queen front man Freddie Mercury!


Freddie Mercury

Mercury - Master of the offside trap

Chelsea v FC Copenhagen

“After their recent poor form Chelsea will be asking themselves – is this the real life, or is this just fantasy? The Champions League represents an escape from Premier League reality. If Ancelotti fails to guide the Blues past FC Copenhagen then … mama mia, mama mia! Abramovich will have a devil put aside for him! But I think they will be fine, Lampard is back and in form for the Pensioners and fat bottomed Frank makes their rockin’ world go round.”

Prediction: 3 v 1

 

Manchester United v Marseille

“Man Utd have been in foul form and an even worse temper recently. If they can’t beat you they will rock you instead. Take Rooney for example. One minute he is leaping through the skies like a tiger, defying the laws of gravity. Next he has a scowl on his face, he’s a big disgrace, waving his elbows all over the place. And if it’s not Rooney, it’s Ferguson; purple nose on his face, “the ref’s a disgrace”, Marseille are gonna put them back into their place.”

Prediction: 0 v 1

Barcelona v Arsenal

“Barcelona and Arsenal have so much in common. They share one vision. They have one heart, one soul, just one solution to football: pass, pass, pass. Arsenal played brilliantly at the Emirates, but I can only see one goal, one outcome for Wenger’s men, and there’s only one direction they are going – out of the Champions League. Messi will want to break free and unleash his kind of magic on the Gunners at the Camp Nou.”

Prediction: 1 v 0

Spurs v AC Milan

“Tottenham’s run has been incredible and Redknapp will be hoping another one of Europe’s big sides bites the dust at White Hart Lane, especially now that the crazy little thing called Gattuso won’t be playing. Bale already put Inter under pressure, so Milan should beware because, hey, he’s gonna get you too!”

Prediction: 1 v 0

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

Read Full Post »

James Dean

James Dean - Live fast, die young. Then report for In Off the Ghost.

The restless spirit of In Off the Ghost has possessed fellow football website footballfarrago!

Click here to read legendary actor and Hollywood icon James Dean’s predictions for the upcoming January transfer window. And while you’re there, check out the other great articles too!

More posts from the only insight into the footballing culture of the afterlife will be coming soon exclusively at www.inofftheghost.com, so be sure to come again soon!

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

Read Full Post »

Charles Darwin

Charles Darwin - Naturally selected the best young players around

The restless spirit of In Off the Ghost has possessed fellow football website www.footballfarrago.com!

Click here to read In Off the Ghost’s Charles Darwin and his views on the evolution of four of England’s brightest young players, as well as other great articles!

More posts from the only insight into the footballing culture of the afterlife will be coming next week exclusively through the medium of www.inofftheghost.wordpress.com, so be sure to come again soon!

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

Read Full Post »

Premier League Predictions

'Who needs Mark Lawrenson?'

Many years ago, when I first shuffled off the mortal coil, I was quite fed up. However, I have come to realise the being dead has certain advantages. I no longer have to worry about my weight, the excruciating pain of toe stubbing and, perhaps chief of all, I no longer have to rely on Mark Lawrenson for my Premier League predictions. The afterlife has no end of people infinitely more qualified to share their paranormal predictions on the latest set of Premier League fixtures with In Off The Ghost.

This week, our supernatural speculations will come from George Orwell, the author of the visionary dystopian novel 1984.

Premier League Predictions

'Do I have to watch Bolton v Hull?'

Aston Villa v Liverpool

‘The idea of someone else other than the ‘Big Four’ qualifying for the Champions League is tantamount to thoughtcrime and Benitez runs the risk of being becoming an unperson if they miss out. Oldthinkers may be hoping that Villa will be a danger to the ‘Big Four’ Innerparty.  I am backing the established regime.’

Prediction: 0-2

Blackburn v Sunderland

‘After the fans reaction to the draw with Everton this weekend, Sunderland boss Steve Bruce commited facecrimes of every possible description. Still, Blackburn’s recent ungood form will continue and I predict that the Sunderland fans will once again be vocalising in a more happywise fashion after this game.’

Prediction: 1-2

Bolton v Hull

‘To know how both of these teams play and still believe that this game will be anything other than awful would be doublethink of the highest order. Watching this will feel like a 90 minute stint at a joycamp.’

Prediction: 0-0

Chelsea v Fulham

‘Fulham are another member of the Outerparty that have dared to challenge the dominance of the Innerparty without the appropriate upsub. I having a feeling that their resistance will be vaporized at Stamford Bridge.’

Prediction: 3-0

Everton v Burnley

‘I have come to bellyfeel Burnley’s status as a Premier League side. Still, an away win for them does not seem to be part of the PremSoc agenda. The chances of a home win are doubleplusgood.’

Prediction: 2-0

Stoke v Birmingham

‘Another game that is unlikely to feature highly on the BBC’s prolfeed. The recdep informs me that Birmingham have the second best defence in the league and Stoke have scored the fewest goals. Still, you can’t always trust everything you hear can you?’

Prediction: 4-0

Tottenham v West Ham

‘Jermaine Defoe visits his former club still looking to cement a place in the Airstrip One first team. Former West Ham boss Harry Redknapp is a goodthinker and won’t follow through on any threat to the Innerparty’s top four territory.’

Prediction: 1-2

Wolves v Man City

‘After the vaporizing of the previous non person Mark Hughes, new boss Roberto Mancini will want to continue his good start. I fullwise expect Man City to continue in their attempt to enter the Golden Country.’

Prediction: 0-3

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: