Posts Tagged ‘jose mourinho’

Cristiano Ronaldo

Pissed-iano Ronaldo

This week saw a nation grind to a halt as the grandest, most expensive and ludicrously over-hyped coming together of two national treasures captured the imagination of the world. We think there might have been a royal wedding as well, but none of the deceased denizens of In Off the Ghost could give two hoots. Football’s afterlife was buzzing with talk about the latest El Clásico, with Madrid losing 2-0 to bitter rivals Barcelonathanks to two spectacular goals from the phenomenal Leo Messi. José Mourinho also added extra spice to the second leg with cries of conspiracy, accusing UEFA of favouring Barcelona with controversial refereeing decisions.

With Mourinho deploying tactics as cynical as we are about his conspiracy theories, it seems all but certain that we will see a Manchester United v Barcelona Champions League final in May. So, with all of this excitement already seen and with a second leg still to come, we spoke to a posthumous pundit who knows a thing or two about conspiracies, as well as being a leader of a group of people with vast amounts of money and an even greater sense of self entitlement. Please give a cold welcome to the 35th President of the United States of America, John F. Kennedy!


JFK - "I wonder how many Madrid players will get sent off this time?"

“Conspiracy theories will always abound when people confront things they cannot understand,” said JFK with a brilliant smile and statesmanlike dignity, “but they are nearly always a mask for ignorance. Some people can’t understand why Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to kill me, so the conspiracy theories live on. Not much is different in Mourinho’s case. He can’t understand why he can’t outwit Barcelona, so he has turned to conspiracy to defend himself. The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived and dishonest — but the myth — persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic. Mourinho has created a mythology of Madrid fighting against the corruption of UEFA and Barcelona.

“Mourinho says his defensive tactics are necessary to face the passing play of his Catalan rivals. A man does what he must — in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers, and pressures — and that is the basis of all human morality. But if the methods are so abhorrent and the results so underwhelming, perhaps he must change. Mourinho must lead Madrid as I led the United States of America. In short, we must face problems which do not lend themselves to easy or quick or permanent solutions. We must know all the facts and hear all the alternatives and listen to all the criticisms.

“23% possession, 3 shots on target, 18 fouls? For Madrid this is not good enough. For of those to whom much is given, much is required. Madrid must put an end to this war-like football or this war-like football will put an end to the might of Madrid. Mourinho is a brilliant tactician and a knowledgeable student of the game. However, with his cynical style we see that the more his knowledge increases, the greater his ignorance unfolds.

We asked JFK whether Real Madrid and José Mourinho were in crisis. He rubbed in his chin, smiled and replied: “The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word “crisis”. One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger — but recognize the opportunity. Mourinho has the opportunity to become a legend at the biggest club in the world if he can overthrow the superpower that is Guardiola’s Barcelona.

“I believe that Madrid as a club should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of besting Barcelona, winning the Spanish League and returning safely to the pinnacle of European football. No single football project in this period will be more impressive to mankind, or more important for the career of José Mourinho; and none will be so difficult or expensive to accomplish.

“The second leg must see a change in both playing style and personal behaviour. Courage— judgement—integrity—dedication—these are the historic qualities which, with their managers help, must characterize the final instalment of the El Clásico quadruple that lies ahead.”

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

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Joe Mourniho

Mourinho has the Premier League all shook up.

Just like the world of the living, the realm of the dead has been buzzing with talk of one thing; the return of José Mourinho. The former Chelsea boss has stated his desire to return to the Premier League at the end of the current campaign.

“I want to come back to England. I’m not the kind of guy to keep his feelings hidden,” stated the Internazionale boss. “I have always said the same – I love it here, I love it here, I love it here.”

So with excitement mounting about the possibility of someone with an actual personality returning to the Premiership, I was besieged by my fellow spirits wailing and moaning for an opportunity to tell In Off The Ghost what they thought about the Special One.

However, In Off The Ghost was only interested in hearing the opinion of one man. Like Mourinho, he too is a Special One. Just like José’s Champions League win with Porto, he too has performed miracles with meagre resources. He also has a good deal of experience with second comings. Yes you guessed it, the King himself, Elvis Presley!

Elvis: Also a snappy dresser.

‘Although I would love more than anyone to see José back in the Premier League, I would warn against making grand comebacks.’ said Presley, in his sultry southern drawl.

‘Yeah sure, it is great at first. Your name up in lights again, fans going wild, all the fast food you can eat. But you soon find out that it just ain’t the same as the first time. Everyone is out to get you. Suspicious minds are everywhere and they are gunning for the King. I got fat. I started wearing ridiculous suits and I ended up playing shows out in the middle of nowhere. I would hate to see that happen to Mourinho.’

Although there is no suggestion that José would take up a job in the North East, and his dress sense is still as sharp as ever, Mourinho should still take these words of warning seriously. After the tender love he received from Chelsea fans during his first stint in English football, he might find that fans can indeed be cruel to a heart that’s true.

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

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