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Theo Walcott

Theo Walcott makes a splash.

The FA Cup third round, who could fail to get excited at the magic and romance? Who could wait for the prospect of Millwall v Birmingham City, Norwich v Leyton Orient and Torquay v Carlisle? Erm…well, us actually. It’s a shame, but when you’ve been dead for an indeterminable amount of time and you must while away years that stretch on endlessly, you tend to lose faith in romance, magic and all that guff. However, this season there was more to the FA Cup third round than the usual clichés. The oldest competition in the beautiful game showed a side of its weathered visage uglier than a constipated Ian Dowie.

So, with fighting, taunting and cheating evident in the biggest games of this year’s third round, in particular the contentious penalties in the Man Utd v Liverpool and Arsenal v Leeds clashes, we spoke to an expert in the field of diving, legendary French naval officer, explorer, ecologist, filmmaker, innovator, scientist, photographer, author and researcher Jacques Cousteau!

Jacques Costeau

Cousteau: "You call that a dive? Pah!"

“There is an art to diving,” began Cousteau, “lots of people attack the pitch when they dive, but Berbatov made love to it. Walcott was one with the turf. To be truly convincing you must embrace the deep green mistress and conquer her!”

“Berbatov is not just a diver, he is an impresario of divers. With barely a touch he fell, plumbing the depths of his talent to hoodwink Howard Webb. The Old Trafford crowd held their breath as the Bulgarian crashed upon the rocks of Agger’s knees, destroying Liverpool’s dreams of FA Cup victory” said Cousteau, repositioning his now translucent red hat firmly on his head.

“And Walcott, très bien! Arsenal were under absolute pressure when he flopped onto his back to salvage a point from the wreckage of Arsenal’s FA Cup third round tie with Leeds United. With that plummet Theo gave up his dignity so that his captain could save the day. Magnifique! And the half hearted apology after the game? Even I wouldn’t dare to go that low.”

“The only person who seemed to go to ground for a genuine reason was Stevenage defender Scott Laird, who sank like the Titanic after hitting this iceberg of a fist. And it was from one of his own fans too. Zut alors!”

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

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'Now which is the quickest way to the January transfer window?'

Despite almost being bored to another death by the FA Cup third round last Saturday, I settled myself in to watch Manchester United v Leeds United on the afterlife sports channel ‘Styx Sports’. After witnessing Leeds crush the ‘Red Devils’ by playing with more pace and energy than a whippet race, I felt the need for some match analysis from the football’s very own Valhalla, In Off The Ghost.

As we strive to bring you the best spiritual perspective on the football news of the day, we managed to chat with legendary former King of England, Richard III. Richard was delighted with the result as he was himself a veteran of several fierce battles between Yorkshire and Lancashire, and he was arguably even less successful in these encounters than Leeds United used to be at Old Trafford.

Richard III - Even less popular than Leeds United

‘Was ever a match in this humour won in such a manner? Woe to the club that is defended still by Gary Neville. And Jermaine Beckford! So wise so young, they say, never stay in League 1 long. Thou cam’st on Earth to make it their hell, and my heaven! And yet Sir Alex is always determined to prove a villian. Talkest thou to me of ‘ifs’ and ‘not enough injury time’? I had no time added on at Bosworth Field! Harp not on that string Ferguson. I will say but one more thing, as an honest tale speeds best, being plainly told.

Every week! Every week! My Kingdom to play thee every week!’

So as Richard’s final battle saw the decline in the House of York, Sunday’s match put an end to Sir Alex’s FA Cup hopes. With a result like this, some fans are starting to believe that it may also be the beginning of the end for United’s stranglehold over English football.

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

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