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Posts Tagged ‘Real Madrid’

Cristiano Ronaldo

Pissed-iano Ronaldo

This week saw a nation grind to a halt as the grandest, most expensive and ludicrously over-hyped coming together of two national treasures captured the imagination of the world. We think there might have been a royal wedding as well, but none of the deceased denizens of In Off the Ghost could give two hoots. Football’s afterlife was buzzing with talk about the latest El Clásico, with Madrid losing 2-0 to bitter rivals Barcelonathanks to two spectacular goals from the phenomenal Leo Messi. José Mourinho also added extra spice to the second leg with cries of conspiracy, accusing UEFA of favouring Barcelona with controversial refereeing decisions.

With Mourinho deploying tactics as cynical as we are about his conspiracy theories, it seems all but certain that we will see a Manchester United v Barcelona Champions League final in May. So, with all of this excitement already seen and with a second leg still to come, we spoke to a posthumous pundit who knows a thing or two about conspiracies, as well as being a leader of a group of people with vast amounts of money and an even greater sense of self entitlement. Please give a cold welcome to the 35th President of the United States of America, John F. Kennedy!

JFK

JFK - "I wonder how many Madrid players will get sent off this time?"

“Conspiracy theories will always abound when people confront things they cannot understand,” said JFK with a brilliant smile and statesmanlike dignity, “but they are nearly always a mask for ignorance. Some people can’t understand why Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to kill me, so the conspiracy theories live on. Not much is different in Mourinho’s case. He can’t understand why he can’t outwit Barcelona, so he has turned to conspiracy to defend himself. The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived and dishonest — but the myth — persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic. Mourinho has created a mythology of Madrid fighting against the corruption of UEFA and Barcelona.

“Mourinho says his defensive tactics are necessary to face the passing play of his Catalan rivals. A man does what he must — in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers, and pressures — and that is the basis of all human morality. But if the methods are so abhorrent and the results so underwhelming, perhaps he must change. Mourinho must lead Madrid as I led the United States of America. In short, we must face problems which do not lend themselves to easy or quick or permanent solutions. We must know all the facts and hear all the alternatives and listen to all the criticisms.

“23% possession, 3 shots on target, 18 fouls? For Madrid this is not good enough. For of those to whom much is given, much is required. Madrid must put an end to this war-like football or this war-like football will put an end to the might of Madrid. Mourinho is a brilliant tactician and a knowledgeable student of the game. However, with his cynical style we see that the more his knowledge increases, the greater his ignorance unfolds.

We asked JFK whether Real Madrid and José Mourinho were in crisis. He rubbed in his chin, smiled and replied: “The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word “crisis”. One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger — but recognize the opportunity. Mourinho has the opportunity to become a legend at the biggest club in the world if he can overthrow the superpower that is Guardiola’s Barcelona.

“I believe that Madrid as a club should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of besting Barcelona, winning the Spanish League and returning safely to the pinnacle of European football. No single football project in this period will be more impressive to mankind, or more important for the career of José Mourinho; and none will be so difficult or expensive to accomplish.

“The second leg must see a change in both playing style and personal behaviour. Courage— judgement—integrity—dedication—these are the historic qualities which, with their managers help, must characterize the final instalment of the El Clásico quadruple that lies ahead.”

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

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Iker Casillas

Real Madrid get their Casillas kicked by Barcelona

‘The Death Rattle’ is a new feature from your favourite biologically challenged blog, and it gives two of our posthumous pundits the chance to engage in a deathly debate about the coldest football stories.

Even though the football phantoms that frequent In Off the Ghost have left their mortal vessels, their basic human instincts are still harboured in the spirit that lingers on after death. Fear, boredom, rage, that feeling when you get a sneeze stuck, they all still exist in the afterlife. So as you might expect, the partisan nature of football supporters also thrives in football’s Valhalla, and no game in European football separates fans like Barcelona vs Real Madrid. Supporters watch in their millions to admire the passion, talent, and occasional pig head on display, and last Monday’s ‘El Clásico’ pitted two teams against each other who have a rivalry more fierce than a Joey Barton temper tantrum. The game resulted in a spectacular 5-0 victory for the Catalans as Xavi, Pedrito, Villa and Jeffren all netted to crush Madrid’s fans, Cristiano Ronaldo, and the ‘Special One’ too.

In response to this incredible game, In Off the Ghost has contacted two post-humous pundits to discuss the match from their own differing perspectives. A big welcome to Irish writer, poet and prominent aesthete Oscar Wilde, and legendary, cerebral comic juggernaut Bob Monkhouse.

Oscar Wilde

Wilde Wilde Guest

WILDE: “I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. That is why I watch Barcelona. Their passing was beautiful, their finishing sublime, scoring with each of their first four shots on target. They turn football into an art form, to watch Xavi and Iniesta is like giving oneself over to pleasure.”

MONKHOUSE: “Real Madrid’s performance in ‘El Clásico’ was a joke. I heard that Mourinho tried to hit Carvalho after the game. It was only once, but mind you he was in a Volvo.”

WILDE: “Erm, yes, Madrid were horrendous, I am glad you do not try to defend their performance, Bob. The way they throw their money at players who are in form is ludicrous. They are nothing but fashion victims and, from the artistic point of view, fashion is usually a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”

MONKHOUSE: It’s true, Madrid do like to chop and change, and Mourinho is worried about getting the boot too. Apparently when he got into the dressing room, the ‘Special One’ turned to his assistant manager and said “how long do you reckon I have left at Madrid after that performance?” His coach replied “ten.” Mourinho looked puzzled and said “ten what? Weeks? Games?” The coach looked at his watch and mumbled “nine…eight…seven…”

WILDE: “Oh dear, that was awful. Do not get me started on the subject of Mourinho, he is nothing but a cynic. And what is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Why does he continue to waste the talent of Benzema?

Bob Monkhouse

Monkhouse: "Last time I saw a football match a dog ran onto the pitch. The ref booked it for fouling in the penalty area"

MONKHOUSE: And why does he play Carvalho at the back? That guy is so old he remembers the first of the Mohicans.

WILDE: Please stop! Anyway, I can’t understand why Mourinho had Madrid playing a high line without a second row of midfielders to press their opponents. It seemed to me that after such a humiliating defeat the Madrid side were all in the gutter, and the stars they were looking at were the brilliant Barcelona players. Lionel Messi is such a prodigious talent that now I have nothing to declare except his genius!

MONKHOUSE: That Messi chap isn’t all that great. I heard that the last time he was injured he said to the club doctor, “do you treat small players?” The Doctor said, “yes, but you have to be a little patient.”

WILDE: Right! That’s it, I’ve had enough. I’m going.

So while it’s all smiles at the Camp Nou, no one will be laughing at the Santiago Bernabeu for some time after this humiliating defeat. However, with Real Madrid two points off the top of the league and going strong in the Champions League, it would take a brave man to bet against Mourinho bringing trophies back to Madrid and restoring grins to the faces of the Los Merengues.

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

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