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Archive for October, 2012

Juan Mata Chelsea

EL MATA – Picture courtesy of http://www.elrooneyoillustrations.tumblr.com

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. Not many of us are fans. The uncertainty, the anxiety, the rubbish situation that makes you need to change in the first place. It’s rarely good news. However, there are a few people that thrive on change. These revolutionary spirits like to break things down just for the fun of building them back up again. The first few weeks of the 2012/13 Premier League season have revealed Roberto Di Matteo as a man with a passion for reform, transforming Chelsea from the combative, direct and repugnant side of yester-year to an aesthetically pleasing, creative and fractionally less repugnant (they still have Cole and Terry after all) team with a seemingly insatiable craving for spectacular goals and three points.

However, Robbie’s revolution took a major blow this weekend as Manchester United pitched up at Stamford Bridge and crushed the Blues 3-2 in a controversial Sunday afternoon showdown. Here at In Off the Ghost, we don’t want to focus on farcical refereeing and shameful racism. We will let proper football websites do that. All we want to do is make terrible puns and talk to dead people about football. So who better to discuss the potential impact of the game on Di Matteo’s aesthetic revolution at Stamford Bridge than perhaps the most famous revolutionary of all time? A cold welcome to Argentinian Marxist revolutionary and cigar enthusiast Che Guevara!

Che Guevara

Guevara – Close but no cigar

“I hate Chelsea and everything the club stands for. It is the embodiment of capitalist exploitation, and John Terry is still their captain” said Guevara, pale fist defiantly in the air, ragged beard floating through the ether, “but I can’t help but admire Roberto Di Matteo’s stylistic revolution at Stamford Bridge. However, yesterday’s defeat to Manchester United is a significant set-back for the Italian. Revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall. Clearly Fernando Torres is the only one at Chelsea who understands this concept. He was making himself fall all afternoon.”

“I have always said that the ultimate and most important revolutionary aspiration is to see human beings liberated from their alienation. The self-pitying isolation of Torres has become commonplace, but the listless figures of Hazard and Oscar was painful to watch. With the exception of Mata’s sublime free-kick, Chelsea failed to liberate the Subbuteo sized standard bearers of their tactical reformation and consequently were made to pay the price by Fergie’s flying wingers. But that shouldn’t set them back too much, Roman’s still sitting on enough ill-gotten petrodollars to pay the price a billion times over.

“Look Torres, if I send you off I’d be doing you a favour.”

“The basic clay of revolutionary work is the youth; we place our hope in it and prepare it to take the banner from our hands. This applies to Di Matteo too, although he might have to fight John Terry first. Di Matteo must trust his revolution to his youngsters, but with the exception Daniel Sturridge. Judging by his performances this season, if the revolution was handed to him he would probably run around like a headless chicken for ten minutes and then punt it out for a throw in.

“After this painful defeat to their title rivals, Chelsea must remember that the road is long and full of difficulties, but I have one bit of advice for Roberto before I go – liberate comrades Mata, Oscar and Hazard and hasta la victoria siempre!”

 (All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

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UNCHARTED TERRITORY – Picture courtesy of http://www.elrooneyoillustrations.tumblr.com

The desire to explore is deeply embedded within human nature. Many of us have experienced the longing to branch out and adventure beyond our usual surroundings, master virgin territories, maybe even try the new takeaway that’s opened up down the road. This instinct was crucial for our survival as a species. However, sometimes this desire for pastures new is so strong that it goes beyond survival, pushing ordinary folk to undertake astonishing feats of reckless endeavour to be able to say that they conquered nature and its most treacherous obstacles.

Here at In Off the Ghost our days of exploration are sadly over. Destined to haunt the same 115×74 yards of football’s Elysium for all eternity, we must satisfy our desire for the thrill of adventure vicariously. This season we have been getting our fix from the intrepid explorations of West Brom up into the rarefied air of third place in the Premier League table, unleashing an outbreak of nosebleeds across the blue and white half of the Black Country. Inspired by the Baggies sensational form, we spoke to a posthumous pundit with a genuine love of exploration and adventure. A cold welcome to legendary polar explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton!

Ernest Shackleton

Sir Ernest Shackleton – Pole Dancer

Men wanted for hazardous season. Small wages. Long months of complete darkness. Safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success. This is the advert I put in the local newspaper before my expedition to the South Pole.” said Shackleton, resplendent in his ethereal long-johns “and I suspect West Brom may have recruited many a player under a similar brief over the past decade. My nickname for Albion used to be ‘the seals’ because they were beaten by clubs so often.”

“But things started to get better after they appointed the well-travelled Roy Hodgson. Now with the arrival of Steve Clarke and some superhuman effort from his players, West Brom find themselves exploring the harsh, unforgiving terrain at the top of the Premier League table. We all know superhuman effort isn’t worth a damn unless it achieves results, just ask Park Ji-Sung at QPR, but the Baggies are finally wracking up the wins that make their efforts all worthwhile. People are saying it’s too difficult for Albion to be in a Champions League place come May, but that’s exactly what they said to me about exploring the Arctic. My advice to Steve Clarke is to turn a deaf ear. Difficulties are just things to overcome, after all.

James Morrisson

Albion’s James Morrisshhhhhhhon.

“Optimism is true moral courage. Even so, to suggest Albion have the players to conquer the summit of the Premier League, the pinnacle upon which the great round globe of football turns, is like tipping Garth Crooks to win a Pulitzer. However they must now have the belief that they can reach the Europa League positions come May. At the very least they are in pole position to be top dogs in the Midlands.

“We all know nature can be more brutal than a late Peter Odemwinge studs up special. However, so far this season the industry of players like Shane Long and Youssuf Mulumbu has shown that it is by endurance we conquer. Despite their good start the Baggies and Steve Clarke must not be under any illusions – it’s early days and they’ve still got a long hard road ahead.”

 (All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

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