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Torres, Luiz, Suarez and Carroll - Movers and shakers in the transfer window

On the eternal terraces of In Off the Ghost, there is nothing our posthumous pundits would like more than a bit of freshening up. Things tend to get a bit stale and funky around here, and not in a good Parliament kind of way. The best way to freshen things up is through a healthy dose of change and the arrival of some fresh new faces tends to brings some more energy and gusto.

Although we can only recruit those who have recently shuffled off the mortal coil, several sides in the Premier League have used the transfer deadline day to ship out the dead wood in their squads and bring in some fresh blood. Liverpool and Chelsea were the biggest spenders, forking out £61.5 million and £71 million on Luis Suarez, Andy Carroll, Fernando Torres and David Luiz respectively.

With all this money flooding out of the transfer window, we were delighted to hear from a spirit who is no stranger to massive change and vast pots of cash. A cold welcome to former King of England Henry VIII!

Henry VIII

Henry VIII - Ahead of the game

“Well beloved subjects! During my reign I had to do a lot of chopping and changing, particularly chopping, as you must keep things fresh if you want to get results” bellowed Henry, as his rotund spirit floated majestically across the In Off the Ghost offices, “it’s a similar situation in football today. I wanted a male heir; Roman Abramovich wants the Champions League. So we both went out and got a Spaniard to do the business. I just hope he has a bit more luck with Fernando Torres than I did with Catherine of Aragon.”

“And a fellow King, Mr Dalglish, has splashed the cash too. Suarez looks like a good buy, and I like Andy Carroll. He is a man after my own heart, big, violent and uncompromising. But £35 million? I’ve spent a bit of money in my time; I built forty-eight ships, forty-three palaces and brought the economy to its knees in order to fund my wars on France, but even I wouldn’t spend £35 million on Andy Carroll.

“This transfer window shows that you must spend big money if you want to get ahead in this game. If Liverpool and Chelsea can use their new purchases to surge up the table, Dalglish and Ancellotti could see their respective reigns at Anfield and Stamford Bridge stretch out for many happy years. However, if they fail to get results for their masters, it could be their heads on the block next. That’s how it is in football these days. People criticise Richard Scudamore and the amount of money that’s in the Premier League, but I’m a big admirer of how they broke away from the oppressive Football League and set up their own financially profitable institution.”

(All material in this blog is entirely fictional and does not represent the views or opinions of anyone, alive or dead, other than those of the author.)

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